it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
