I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
