I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
