Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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