If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
