My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My cat gives me a boner
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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