i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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