Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
