You don't have asthma, your pregnant
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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