I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
