ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
