I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
