My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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