I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
