Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
