also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
