Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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