yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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