The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
