God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
