It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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