Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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