I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
