i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just want to make out with him forever
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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