there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
