You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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