I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
