I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
