I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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