You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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