I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
