and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
