the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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