Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
