Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
