I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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