Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
