i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
