this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
