never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
