I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
