I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
