I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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