I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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