I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
