I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
