you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
