I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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