I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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