They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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