saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
